I was working on a political campaign and what kind of white girl would I be if I didn’t flirt with my boss, Arturo? Honestly, I didn’t know it at first. I just thought he had great fashion sense and perfect hair for no reason at all. He wasn’t as tall as I’d like and maybe was a workaholic but it was all innocent fun at this point.
Not to toot my own horn, but I am fucking fab. So when he didn’t engage I should have spotted the red flag immediately. But I was blinded by his white teeth.
So I used my body like my momma taught me. One day, I had a cute LBD on and I was on the floor of our office alphabetizing mail. I made sure my butt was in the air. Thanks yoga instructor! But Arturo walked past me and didn’t even look. Like what? Who doesn’t look at a perfect booty?
I have no shame so I marched up to him and asked what his fucking issue with my ass was, ” if you want me to stare at your ass all day then I will stare at your ass all day,” he said. Well duh, Arturo. I know I’m pretty but I need you to act like all normal straight men or how will I know that you know that I am pretty?
I put on my Prada glasses and investigated like Law and Order taught me when I realized that Arturo didn’t want my body. The office rumor was that Arturo was on Grindr. WHAT? I was heartbroken so naturally I put all my feelings on the table and asked him if he was gay.
But he was tricky, hurt, that I accused him of liking dick as much as me. I still remember his exact words. He told me, “I have had plenty of sexual relations with women that I work with and it never works out well.” UM “sexual relations?” The last time I heard anyone use that term was Bill Clinton arguing the opposite with Monica Lewinsky. And we all know that his cigar had been somewhere nasty.
So he inflated his ego and bragged about himself to our coworkers. He said that I was just upset that he wouldn’t, “sleep with me until the campaign was over.” Like what does that even mean? Should I like quit the campaign and head over to Claudia for a wax or what?
But the next day when we were alone, he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes. He said, “Not all guys want is sex.” It was like he was Prince Philippe and I was the carrot that he was feeding to his horse while Princess Aurora sung in the background. He let me believe in Disney fairytales and love stories.
After the campaign ended, Arturo moved away but we were still friends. Well if he can still be considered my “friend” if he doesn’t text me back unless I send him 10 texts in a row. But he did pooper-scoop my life and fix my bad choices when Juanita was too shit-faced to deal with my problems. Take note girls, gay boys are the only boys who will help you with your problems since other boys are the problem.
Then three months ago he told me he had a crush on this girl he works with but he couldn’t ask her out because they worked together. LOL. Was Samantha Roberta’s foil? And was she as fucked up as me? That’s when I knew 100 % that he was gay, even though I subconsciously always knew. Who names their daughter Samantha? Unless you are an American Girl Doll Samantha is not a real name.
But then it happened. Homberto (Arturo Dad, who is friends with my Mom and a total womanizer) told me during Thanksgiving that Arturo was going through some things. I knew immediately that Arturo had finally come clean about his love for Dick and Cocaine so I gave Homberto a hug and immediately ordered flowers. He picked up his phone and pointed to a photo of Arturo and a handsome brunette. “Do you know about this? I thought he was the dog walker.”
Arturo always makes it about himself, such a narcissist. He couldn’t even be there in person to come out on my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. So I purged myself of turkey, mashed potatoes, and all my feelings for Arturo. I promised myself that the next time I met a hot gay guy I would turn him straight.