Dear Lolita…

Dear Lolita,

Who would have thought that you would turn out to be such a smart, talented and beautiful young woman (who beat teen pregnancy). Alas, the time has come for you to enter into adulthood and here are our top pieces of advice for you and other young adults. We wish that we had an older sister who shared wisdom with us when we were your age; but, unfortunately, we had to learn these lessons the hard way.

  1. No matter how hot he is, never flirt with a man at a bar that a friend has claimed, especially if said man spends most of his time fighting superheroes in his underwear.
  2. Be careful with the NFL players you meet on Tinder because elevator lighting is SO not flattering (Note: for private jets and the Hamptons, we’ll talk later.)
  3. Always be well read. Here are some great conversation starters, Flowers in the Attic, Nice is Just a Place in France, All the Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, and the Wall Street Journal (to keep up with the bros)
  4. Never trust a psychic with a bad attitude. Feng Shui is better. Edgar will put your life in order.
  5. Helping old people gives you good karma, but you should do it anyway.
  6. Never feed your pets too much, because they too, need to know what starvation feels like.
  7. It’s not appropriate to look at yourself in the mirror more than 3x the amount of hours you’ve been awake times the amount of years your parents have/had been married divided by how many times you’ve eaten that day plus 7 (for good measure, lucky number bitch).
  8. If you sleep with your doctor, exam results are no longer valid (dentists don’t count cause they aren’t really doctors, and we encourage you to sleep with your plastic surgeon since he will make you look extra hot).
  9. You have no political opinions. Only your boyfriend’s checkbook.
  10. No matter what, you must always have a second home. Even if this means taking in a second mortgage.
  11. If your Halloween costume is appropriate, then you are doing it wrong.
  12. It’s not sex if he doesn’t finish.
  13. If he drives a hybrid, he’s probably gay but check first because he could be rich and ironically caring about the environment
  14. Don’t go where the hot college guys are going for Spring Break. Go where the hot married guys are going.
  15. Study abroad: Do it. It’s one more excuse to party.
  16. Post breakup advice: You don’t need it because you were the heart breaker.
  17. Only sext from a prepaid phone.
  18. If he asks you to send a picture of your pussy, send a pic of your cat instead.
  19. It’s okay to have a sugar daddy if he pays your rent, embrace it.
  20. Be yourself! Because if you don’t like you, no one will.

Hugs and Kisses,
RJ

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