How To Turn A Gay Guy Straight

I am so totally blessed to know the inner workings of a gay man’s mind. Thanks Arturo. Actually, I would argue that the straight female mind is almost identical to the male mind. Some shared interests include: oral sex, Hermes, and preline lattes

We both like dick, so it’s obvious that we’d get along. But when you’re in love with a gay man, there’s only one thing to do: turn him straight.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s impossible to turn a gay man straight! It’s not a choice! Blah, blah, blah. I heard those lies too when I was in Kindergarden.

I hate to break it to you, though, with gay men you cannot just depend on your good looks or charming personality to seduce your prince charming in tight pants. It is truly a science and you may fail with the first one, like me, but there’s always another beautiful gay man waiting to bond with a girl over their mutual love for Jewish peen. So thank you SCOTUS for the influx of preppy well-dressed and man-scaped educated Ivy leaguers who fight for my pussy’s rights.

At a NYE party, I was talking to a lovely gay, Jorge about how we love dem’ jewish boys and convincing him that Hillary is gonna be Prez and not Bernie (come on gay men, don’t you know we need a President with excellent hair). I secretly think he was just feelin’ the Bern because Bern’s one of the tribe. And to be completely honest, I too like older accomplished men who are circumcised and who I don’t have to worry about finding on Jdate. But enough of Bern, back to Jorge.

Next thing I know it’s almost midnight. Jorge and I innocently agreed to be each others new years kiss. Over the ruse of politics and a nice cocktail, I followed him to the top floor of the bar. Next thing I know my legs are wrapped around him and we’re making out. People were looking at us. Jealousy did not look good on those hoes. Didn’t your momma ever tell you it defines frown lines? Not even an hour into 2016 and Jorge and I were the most fashionable couple of year. Paparazzi couldn’t get enough of us and I knew it would be a fight between JLaw and Roberta for the front page.

So I got finger banged by a gay guy on NYE.  I don’t recommend it unless you are extremely intoxicated and have Juanita and Roberto to take you home and carry you up the stairs (literally Roberto carried me up two flights, it was so adorable). I would like to take a moment to yell at them for not allowing me to leave with Neil Patrick Harris. Arturo would be SO jealous.

The best thing about easy gays like Jorge are that they can definitely boast your ego. I’m framing a photo of the two of us making out, under it the title will be “I think you are turning me straight,” because he whispered it into my ear like 10 times.

I could start one of those church conversion camps and make some serious dough, but I don’t think that Christian mothers would approve of a Jewish seductress.


PS. Still annoyed with Juanita for texting my Jewish mother a HD video of Jorge and I making out with the text, “don’t worry, he’s gay.” Guess it wasn’t the paparazzi taking my photos. My Mom still thinks it’s the 80s and wants me tested for AIDS. Gosh Carmen, you can’t get HIV from kissing. I checked.

**Being gay isn’t actually a choice and I accept that I will never be able to “turn” Arturo straight.


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