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Rape Cake

Mexicans love me. I don’t know whether it’s my iridescent skin tone or 5’7 frame that reminds them of their genetic inferiority but whatever it is I can’t tell you how many green card marriages I’ve had to deny. It doesn’t help that since I was raised to be nice to everyone, my kindness is…

Disney Princesses Ranked By Sluttiness

Whether we like it or not, Disney’s been priming us to be whores since we left the womb. Next time you go on a tinder-bender and would like to adamantly deny screwing a six, blame Walt. These are the role-models he provided us with: 10. Cinderella. It’s not so easy to snag a prince. She…

How to Master Tinder: The Photo

Grow boobs. Honestly. That’s all you have to do. According to our extremely reliable guy friends who peruse Tinder more than instagram due to of their huge erections, nine times out of ten girls get a mutual match with each right swipe. The theory is that Tinder is flooded with ugly guys (and guys who…

Why Do Crazy People Talk To Me?

Do crazy people attract more crazy people? Honestly, I’d like to know. Here I am, minding my own business at the local coffee joint when this woman would not shut up. “Wow, your charger is really long,” she said as I plugged my computer charger into the outlet. I smiled and she went into this…

Should I Fuck My Uber Driver: An Ethical Dilemma

As I am sure you have realized after reading our blog, uber drivers are primarily named Mohammad. Therefore, I was incredibly shocked to have a tall, white male as my chauffeur after a night of too much tequila and extreme inebriation. During our pleasant rendezvous back to my house, I struck conversation with Mr. White…