Every Fairytale Has A Badass Bitch


Not every fairytale has a happily ever after. But every good fairytale has a badass bitch. “But, not every princess needs a prince!” says the angry foul-mouthed lesbian who refused to stop tweeting #notmypresident during the Women’s march (and coincidentally threw paint on my faux fur vest last November). But feminist lesbians do have their point. Why do we, women, settle for men who do not deserve our affection?

It’s because we are primed to believe that we cannot be complete without a man. Men are at the center of our lives. Don’t believe us? Think back to your favorite stories as a child. Despite an abundance of fairy-tale themed picture books that featured a female lead, according to a 2011 study, “children’s books are dominated by male central characters… with the gender disparity sending children a message that ‘women and girls occupy a less important role in society than men or boys,'” The study, which looked at roughly 6,000 children’s books published between 1900 and 2000 found that male main-characters make up 57% of children’s books, while female main-characters make up only 31% of children’s books. But what about animal characters? You may ask, hoping that those might prove more gender neutral. But you’re wrong. Male animals make up 23% of the main-characters of books each year, while female animals take the lead in only 7.5% of books.

What messages are we sending girls? It’s no wonder why we settle for men that don’t deserve us, we are unaware of our own value and self-worth. The saddest part of this cliche is that every woman must have her heart broken before she meets her knight in shining armor. Tin-foil is no substitute for authentic Valerian Steel; just as cubic zirconia is never acceptable on an engagement ring unless you live below the poverty line (in which case I am eternally jealous that you’ve found love first because I still haven’t been invited to any of Patti Stanger’s famous match-making parties).

Worse even, is that these atrocious princes have been spoiled by women with no self-respect. They are used to women chasing over them. They are used to women dropping their plans and traveling half-way across the world for them.


These men have been spoiled by women with no self-respect. This is a call to arms for every badass bitch to dump her undeserving fuckbuddy in search of a tinder fling who wants to do more than just hang out. Bonus points if he follows you around like a lost puppy. Except, that gets old fast so make sure he has a decent set of balls.

I learned the hard way that princes can be deceiving. As our Queen B: Blair Waldorf discovered first, princes are bat-shit crazy. They’re jealous, abusive, and frequently psychotic. Is the life of a princess worth it if you’re stuck alone and miserable in an ivory tower? Unless it’s some sort of fifty-shades-of-gray spinoff, being trapped and helpless is never a good look. There’s a reason why we buy comfortable heels (whenever possible), we need the freedom to run. Run far away from our problems and our undeserving men.



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