Pizza is it’s own food group. If you disagree with us you are either a recovering anorexic or the annoying bitch who asks her friend’s if they’ve “gained weight” whenever mother nature calls. As any self-respecting white girl (who’s called her favorite pizza joint at 3AM, sobbing hysterically since they refuse to deliver since they are “out of territory”) knows, Pizza = life.
Just as some girls choose their boyfriends over girlfriends (red-flag by the way, those ass wipes don’t respect themselves), we choose Pizza above all other food, carbs or otherwise. It is the holy-grail of God’s edible creations (cannabis, perhaps, being the one exception) and is a super-food full of all the anti-oxidants you want to make up on the spot (seriously just make that shit up it’s not real).
In fact, Pizza is a vegetable (according to congress), which is enough for us all to stop starving ourselves for three days after every over-indulgence. NOTE: If you haven’t consumed an entire pie by yourself in one sitting, you can’t sit with us. In fact, go fuck yourself and your unrelatable sense of self-control.
Pizza is the reason why we don’t judge fat people. Regrettably, we think they’ve made the right decision. They’ve put their love of pizza and other indulgences over their health, which is the ultimate declaration of love.
So, next time it’s 2AM and your roommate is judging you for ordering an entire pie of Hawaiin Pizza, tell her to go fuck herself because she’s going to die alone while your gorge yourself on full-fat deliciousness. Pizza is the only friend you need. Bonus points if you screw the delivery boy. Honestly, does that even happen? We’d like to know
Hugs & Kisses,