Whether we like it or not, Disney’s been priming us to be whores since we left the womb. Next time you go on a tinder-bender and would like to adamantly deny screwing a six, blame Walt. These are the role-models he provided us with:
10. Cinderella. It’s not so easy to snag a prince. She needs some serious moves if she wants to keep her Title (Roberta knows). We’re sure Cindy spices things up with her Prince by bringing in some ladies in waiting for shared duties. Royal threesome much?
9. Anna. So naïve and quick to fall in love. She’s the kinda girl to believe anything a guy tells her, “you can’t get pregnant standing up” or “it’s not sex if it’s in the butt.” Without any parental role-models (or really any adult supervision) you bet she’s the village bicycle.
8. Moana. The whole “single” Disney Princess who “doesn’t need a male protagonist” thing doesn’t fool us. We know it’s only because Moana doesn’t need to be tied down to a man. She doesn’t want you to call her after a one-night stand either.
7. Aurora. Honey, you’re not in perpetual slumber from some dumb witch. It’s called a hangover. Or a Xanax coma. Either way we’ve all been there. A’s constant partying was bound to catch up to her eventually (what else is there to do when you’re quarantined in the middle of nowhere)? Not to mention the fairies baby-sitting our sleeping beauty aren’t too sharp either. They’re completely oblivious of A’s frequent night-caps with her woodland creatures.
6. Megara. This bitch has serious daddy issues (we can relate). Why else would she sell her soul to Hades and face eternal damnation? She’s a total sub and there’s no denying it. But we think Meg’s pretty bad ass. We love her wit and sarcasm. Her best line: “You know how men are. They think “No” means “Yes” and “Get lost” means “Take me, I’m yours.” Preach mama preach.
5. Belle. We know for sure Belle is a freak in bed. How so? Gaston’s cock couldn’t satisfy her so she needed a fucking Beast. Bestiality much? They totally do-it all over the castle and with so many enchanted objects around you know Beauty and her Beast are totally into voyeurism. Were their sex toys human at one point too?
4. Mulan. Masquerading as a man in the middle of a Chinese army means she’s surrounded by penises. The nights are lonely so far from home. We’re pretty sure she perked her butt up for a few soldiers who probably thought she was just a lady-boy.
3. Ariel. Even though she traded her beautiful voice for dumb legs, Ariel’s spent sixteen years in the ocean. She can definitely hold her breath underwater longer than any human. You know what that means: blow jobs. The Prince wants loads of them, and since Ariel can’t talk she’s every man’s dream.
2. Jasmine. She has more suitors than facebook friends, there’s no way she doesn’t like to get a sneak peak at some of the goods before turning them away. Aladdin must be HUNG, and that genie is definitely getting in on some action (after being cooped up in a lamp for 10,000 years you bet he was ready to bust a nut). Not to mention Jas has a literal tiger as a pet. Can you say Kinky or what?
1. Snow White. She lives in a house with seven men, need we say more? Not to mention all that cooking and cleaning she does puts her more in the category of whore opposed to slut. Not that either of those are bad, just that we like to call a spade a spade and this spade enjoys getting fucked.
Hope we didn’t ruin your childhood too much but next time you see someone in a slutty Disney costume remember that they may be more accurate than you think.
Hugs and Kisses,