How To Fake Being Rich When Your Credit Score Is Under 630

It’s true. My credit score is abysmal. My mother has always said that I have a “hole in my pocket,” but she was wrong. It’s more than just a” hole in my pocket”, it’s a deep dark void of theoretical mass. A black-hole that leaches money from my account. I’m pretty sure “the cloud” is stealing it. Seriously WTF is “the cloud” and why do we talk about it like it’s a person/place/thing. The cloud is invisible. It is universal. It is everywhere and nowhere. It is basically God. We worship the cloud and it steals from my bank account.

Okay so the cloud isn’t really stealing my money (any thief who steals from me is an idiot because I’m pretty much a poor peasant since I’ve been cut-off from my financial oasis aka mom and dad). It’s me. I buy shit constantly. Literally shit. Shit that I never use but at that instance adamantly believe I will die without it.

Here’s a list of weird random shit that I have bought recently much of which I’ve rarely/never used.

  • A children’s book from my childhood that features 26 children and how they die
  • 300 beads that I never used. (I wanted to get into “healing crystals” but the beads were too tiny to be strung on any strings. I bought: Rose quart faceted rondelles, Ametrine chips, Peridot faceted briolettes, moss Aquamarine faceted rondelles, Rhodonite chips, Kunzite smooth rounds, Aquamarine faceted briolettes).
  • A complete set of beach themed sticky notes.
  • A bronze sculpture of an octopus holding a mirror.
  • Ten different figurines of pottery from my local pottery studio so I could come back and not pay the studio fee each time (I haven’t been back)
  • A four-step skin care regimen and eyelash growth serum that amounted to around $350
  • $60 worth of Lush products I already probably own
  • Dog treats (I don’t have a dog).
  • Stupid skin care exfoliater “infused with gold” that I was basically guilt-tripped into buying by the hot Israeli salesperson who gave me a “discount”
  • $200+ worth of random Target items. You really should go to Target high, it’s magical.
  • A desk that doesn’t fit in my room.
  • $150 to join a soccer league (that I never went to)

I also don’t return things… So I end up with random stuff I don’t need. Hoarding is a disease I think, are there drugs I can take?

Anyway, it’s easy to spot someone who doesn’t have money. While not completely accurate, a lot of higher-class women take extremely good care of themselves. They can afford monthly IPL’s from their world famous dermatologist; their eye-brows are always waxed and flawless; their hair is perfectly blown out each week and beautifully cut/dyed every six weeks; their clothes are clean and stylish (and usually expensive); their skin is tan from vacations (or the local tanning salon); their bodies are perfectly toned (since they can afford a personal chef and motivational personal trainer).

But there are some things you can fake until you make. Afterall, it doesn’t really matter what your credit score is. As long as your hubby’s is 750+ you’re golden. But in order to attract a million bucks, you need to be a million bucks. Here are things you should do in order of importance.

  1. Be fit. I can’t express this enough. Fat people don’t look rich. It’s sad but they are extremely discriminated against. Fat rich people can also choose surgeries to thin up (gastric bypass anyone?) and fat camps for their children (like the one where Lolita went). Being thin is about 90% what you eat. But being fit is about exercise. We recommend that women who want to lose weight stop snacking altogether (especially while high, this is when I eat 85% of my calories); drink alcoholic drinks with low calorie counts; choose either to decrease how much fat you eat or how many carbs. Being fit is a life-style, you’ll have to really focus on what you’re eating. Anorexia is the only way to get skinny. But it’s terrible for your body and not sustainable (Roberta and I know). So start with what you’re putting into your body (penises are always allowed). Next is exercise. Exercise is imperative to be hot. But without a personal trainer and a gym membership you have to get creative. Start doing some yoga (will help your sex life too, trust); run with a friend (just make sure you don’t sweat in front of anyone attractive); do the monkey bars at a local playground (unless you’re really fat and look like a predator); and find something to lift – even if it’s your full nalgene. The three things involved in being fit are: diet, cardio, strength. But easier said than done. Bonus points if you post your “weight-loss” journey on social media to show off your new hot bod.
  2. Hair. Your hair is the most noticeable thing about your appearance. I don’t care if you have to do it yourself but it must be dyed and highlighted (not a universal color, ew). You can go to your local beauty supply store and buy bleach to highlight your hair. If you know what your doing and understand the bleach process you can do a great job yourself. You hair should also be cut regularly (no split ends), and should always be styled. If I see frizz I assume the worst. You can also get a good groupon.
  3. Nails. Do your nails yourself and find a good top-coat. I swear this is the easiest fucking thing to do and it makes an enormous difference. Chipped nails = Orphan Annie. So not chic.
  4. Clothes. This is arguably the most important thing. You don’t need to wear all designers to look rich, but stay away from knock-offs (we can tell 99% of the time). Buy non-designer clothes from stores that are not heavily branded. I don’t want to know you shop at Old Navy. It’s not 1995, being a catalogue model is not chic. Subscribe to your favorite brands to be notified when their items are discounted. Shop the 70% clearance racks at the end of each season in your local department store (wear sunglasses so you’re not recognized). Go to “thrift” stores and find designer clothes for less (I have friends who do this but personally I find it gross). I also recommend you watch the trends on makeup/hair/clothes/bags/accessories closely. Know what’s in for next season and start looking for bold pieces that are on-trend. This is the only time we approve of shopping at H&M and Forever 21. A good rule of thumb is: splurge on staples but be fickle with your fortune when it comes to fast-trends.

Hope this’ll help elevate your status to seduce the man with the perfect pedigree!

Kisses,
Juanita

 

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s