Someday I'll have my own wikipedia page, until then I'm getting my MRS.
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Every Fairytale Has A Badass Bitch

Not every fairytale has a happily ever after. But every good fairytale has a badass bitch. “But, not every princess needs a prince!” says the angry foul-mouthed lesbian who refused to stop tweeting #notmypresident during the Women’s march (and coincidentally threw paint on my faux fur vest last November). But feminist lesbians do have their…

Why I Turned Down The Bachelor

In early July, I got a random call from Los Angeles and excitedly got ready to annoy a telemarketer. Only, the man on the other line was not Indian; instead, he was a producer for the Bachelor. It’s every girls dream to be considered for the Bachelor and surrounded by the romance of fake-reality. But…

Stay Away From Married Balls

He’s not my typical type. Not a doctor. Not a lawyer. Not a politician. And no, not a trust fund kid. He hasn’t even won the lottery (unless I count cause I’m the jackpot, baby). Instead, he’s is in the service industry. Gross. Except, that can be pretty special. I didn’t realize it before, but…

It Tastes Better on the Screen

Good food. Good sex. Good friends. The three ingredients to a happy life. But three time a day really is not enough (we’re talking about food you pervert). I’m what they call skinny-fat. I really have no muscle, but then again I have no fat. Juanita gives me a lot of shit because I occasionally…

Seven Years Too Late…

I thought high school was like the movies. But I was wrong. There’s no love story and no happy ending with you and your first disappointment running away together and backpacking through Europe. Well if backpacking through Europe means staying at the Four Seasons and playing my favorite authentic European road-trip game: how many Hermes…

Rape Cake

Mexicans love me. I don’t know whether it’s my iridescent skin tone or 5’7 frame that reminds them of their genetic inferiority but whatever it is I can’t tell you how many green card marriages I’ve had to deny. It doesn’t help that since I was raised to be nice to everyone, my kindness is…