Grow boobs. Honestly. That’s all you have to do. According to our extremely reliable guy friends who peruse Tinder more than instagram due to of their huge erections, nine times out of ten girls get a mutual match with each right swipe. The theory is that Tinder is flooded with ugly guys (and guys who seem ugly because they don’t know the difference between exposure and brightness on their shitty iphone cameras), whereas every single girl at least knows something about camera angles, skinny arms, and photoshop. Not to say we photoshop each of our photos (we’re hot already, can’t make things too unfair) but we sure as hell are cropping out anything and everything we don’t want you to see. Men, on the other hand, don’t understand why their sister’s baby isn’t helping them match with all the hunnies out there.
If a photo is worth a thousand words, your first Tinder photo is worth a million. Most girls will not even click to see the rest of your pictures unless you are questionably attractive and we don’t know how to swipe. We have lots of tips to help you master the art of finding a DTF biddy, but becoming an internet Casanova takes time and patience. Here’s what to avoid with your photos:
- Babies. Yes, it has been statistically proven that showing that you can interact well with infants makes our ovaries tingle. But on Tinder? Not so much. Having a baby in your Tinder photo makes us wonder if it’s yours (something most women run away from, unless they’re crazy). Even if said child doesn’t belong to you (which it probably doesn’t) we aren’t going to waste time investigating. Saying “not my baby” in your bio doesn’t help either since we don’t read bios anyway. The only way you can possibly get around this rule when posing with the most photogenic baby alive is if you edit the photo and put text over it that says “not my baby.” But putting so much effort into one photo only makes us want to swipe left faster.
- Group Shots. These are never a good idea. I don’t care if you took a photo with Leonardo DiCaprio or if it’s a picture of you meeting the Queen. We don’t care. Group photos only detract from you (the one we are trying to evaluate). When a man has a group shot we immediately assume he is the ugliest in the group. What, do you want us swiping right so you can introduce us to your hot friends? The only exception to this rule is if you truly are butt ugly, in which case the cheerleader effect can be used to your advantage. While we don’t personally think a group shot is wise, some girls do want to know that you have a social life so one group shot is acceptable at the back of your photo queue if you have more than three solitary shots.
- Grainy Photos. NEXT. What, you can’t afford a good phone-camera? How are you going to provide for our future offspring or even buy us dinner. A grainy photo pretty much spells out “going dutch,” and that’s something highly respectable girls do not stand for. It’s called standards.
- Close-Ups. They only serve to further highlight your bad skin and crooked nose. Let us see that you’re not a summo wrestler with a skinny face.
- Ab Pics. If you want to get laid then keep your eight-pack photo up, but include your face or we are most definitely swiping left. We want to see that you have a nice bod but a mirror pic is not the way to do it. It makes you look sleazy and trashy. Try a casual bathing-suit pic if you must but know that it could make or break potential swipes.
- Smiling. It seems couter-intuitive but don’t smile in all your photos, especially not your first. Keeping a stoic and mysterious facial expression makes you like ten times hotter. Psychology bitches.
- Animals that aren’t dogs. As a self-proclaimed crazy-cat-lady I can tell you that a man posing with his feline friend is weird. As is posing with your ferret, snake, and or iguana. Unless it’s a dog (man’s best friend) we are going to assume you are weird from the start and will next you immediately. That’s not to say a man with an iguana, cat, or (big) snake is a turn-off, only that we don’t want to see your other friends on your tinder profile (because what normal person does that).
- Photos that don’t show your face. This should be self-explanatory but for some reason some men think we’re more likely to swipe right if you’ve been to the Eiffel tower. Like good for you but if you’re not cute I could care less where you’ve been. I pretty much assume that any man I plan on dating has been around the world a couple times. I mean, he will have to if he wants to keep up with my own wanderlust. We approve of pictures of you in nature, but only if we can see your hot bod and Abercrombie-worthy face.
- Just one photo. Do you only have one ball too? Seriously, how can we evaluate if your profile is real or if you’re a serial killer when we only have one option? NEXT.
- Only Professional Photos. Professional photos are extremely pompous for guys, but we like to know that you care enough about your looks to make a good first impression. But if all your photos look like profiles in GQ we are going to assume that you’re either way too high-maintenance for us (which is saying a lot coming from us), or fake. Most likely you’re a 45 year old guy in his mom’s basement looking for risky snaps. No thank you.
Remember, a girl that is looking through all your photos is only doing so for one of two reasons. Either you matched and she’s responding to your messages/considering going out with you. OR, she’s scrolling to see if you’re ugly or not (since your first photo is too ambiguous to tell).
You’re in shark infested waters. One Tinder photo fail can leave you with zero matches and no-body to bone on Saturday night post-drinks.
Hugs and Kisses,
Roberta and Juanita