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Every Fairytale Has A Badass Bitch

Not every fairytale has a happily ever after. But every good fairytale has a badass bitch. “But, not every princess needs a prince!” says the angry foul-mouthed lesbian who refused to stop tweeting #notmypresident during the Women’s march (and coincidentally threw paint on my faux fur vest last November). But feminist lesbians do have their…

Pizza is My Favorite Food Group

Pizza is it’s own food group. If you disagree with us you are either a recovering anorexic or the annoying bitch who asks her friend’s if they’ve “gained weight” whenever mother nature calls. As any self-respecting white girl (who’s called her favorite pizza joint at 3AM, sobbing hysterically since they refuse to deliver since they…

Why I Turned Down The Bachelor

In early July, I got a random call from Los Angeles and excitedly got ready to annoy a telemarketer. Only, the man on the other line was not Indian; instead, he was a producer for the Bachelor. It’s every girls dream to be considered for the Bachelor and surrounded by the romance of fake-reality. But…

Stay Away From Married Balls

He’s not my typical type. Not a doctor. Not a lawyer. Not a politician. And no, not a trust fund kid. He hasn’t even won the lottery (unless I count cause I’m the jackpot, baby). Instead, he’s is in the service industry. Gross. Except, that can be pretty special. I didn’t realize it before, but…

It Tastes Better on the Screen

Good food. Good sex. Good friends. The three ingredients to a happy life. But three time a day really is not enough (we’re talking about food you pervert). I’m what they call skinny-fat. I really have no muscle, but then again I have no fat. Juanita gives me a lot of shit because I occasionally…

Seven Years Too Late…

I thought high school was like the movies. But I was wrong. There’s no love story and no happy ending with you and your first disappointment running away together and backpacking through Europe. Well if backpacking through Europe means staying at the Four Seasons and playing my favorite authentic European road-trip game: how many Hermes…