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Falling In Love With A Gay Guy: So Not Chic

I was working on a political campaign and what kind of white girl would I be if I didn’t flirt with my boss, Arturo? Honestly, I didn’t know it at first. I just thought he had great fashion sense and perfect hair for no reason at all. He wasn’t as tall as I’d like and maybe…

Rape Cake

Mexicans love me. I don’t know whether it’s my iridescent skin tone or 5’7 frame that reminds them of their genetic inferiority but whatever it is I can’t tell you how many green card marriages I’ve had to deny. It doesn’t help that since I was raised to be nice to everyone, my kindness is…

Every Fairytale Has A Badass Bitch

Not every fairytale has a happily ever after. But every good fairytale has a badass bitch. “But, not every princess needs a prince!” says the angry foul-mouthed lesbian who refused to stop tweeting #notmypresident during the Women’s march (and coincidentally threw paint on my faux fur vest last November). But feminist lesbians do have their…

Pizza is My Favorite Food Group

Pizza is it’s own food group. If you disagree with us you are either a recovering anorexic or the annoying bitch who asks her friend’s if they’ve “gained weight” whenever mother nature calls. As any self-respecting white girl (who’s called her favorite pizza joint at 3AM, sobbing hysterically since they refuse to deliver since they…

Stay Away From Married Balls

He’s not my typical type. Not a doctor. Not a lawyer. Not a politician. And no, not a trust fund kid. He hasn’t even won the lottery (unless I count cause I’m the jackpot, baby). Instead, he’s is in the service industry. Gross. Except, that can be pretty special. I didn’t realize it before, but…